A New Solitude.

A little lake time does a body good...

Wuh? A month and a half since my last post and my whole universe has shifted. And now I find myself alone again. And experiencing that in a whole new way – it has been 5 years since I was last single and a lot has changed since then. Now I am living in the country on a farm instead of the city for one – and solitude here is oh so very different. But as I grapple with it and face it head on I can see that my fear of it is pretty much unfounded.

Today I was sitting at the lake and looking out at the water watching a solitary loon floating by when it started calling out – with no other loons around. Communicating with other species? Or calling out wishing there were other loons nearby? Or just expressing whatever it was experiencing at that moment? It sure seemed at peace floating there calmly. And for the first time in a while, I was too. Seeing this solitude as a gift instead of a self-inflicted curse.

Not only can this space be a chance for healing and processing, it can also give birth to tremendous creativity and insight. Without other people around, I get more and more honest with myself about what I am feeling, and what I really want and need in the moment. I often tend to pay a lot of attention to people who are around me, and without them there I start to listen to my own inner voice a little more. Self-centred sounding? It does to me actually. But if I want to be able to be of any use to the world, I do need to look after my own needs too. Like a plant that wants to feed people but never takes in water for itself, I would wither too if I didn’t address what I need. And right now, what I need is a bit of space.

And out of this space is already birthing a new understanding of reality, my own existence, and how I operate in the world. And a new understanding of peace – particularly the inner kind. In the week after breaking up, I went on a previously scheduled meditation retreat – one of the most emotionally intense weeks of my life – but incredibly valuable and full of growth and insight about myself. And a taste of peace that I hadn’t really known in years. The peace that comes from accepting things as they are without trying to do something about it, judging it, fixing it, planning for something, or analyzing it.

After coming back, it has been a whirlwind of activity with garlic harvest on the farm, other work, and interesting future possibilities tempting me into whirlwinds of activity and thought and away from the present moment again. But now that I have tasted it, I have a sense of what is possible. And of the nature of the thoughts and feelings that sweep me away until I notice them and come back to reality. Physical reality here right now. Right here. And letting this space last a while without rushing to fill it with something new…